Nobody is perfect. So we all know the feeling of regret that comes after saying or doing something hurtful. Or sometimes, we meant to say it, but reflection brings wisdom and remorse.
An incident I remember clearly is saying to a previous partner that they had a dumb last name. Even typing it now, I feel myself cringing away from memory. Of course, this hurt my partner’s feelings, and they were angry with me for saying it. I could tell you everything that went into those words, the whole conversation leading to the outburst, but the story is beside the point. The point is, we all say mean or hurtful things to the people we love sometimes.
If you have said or done something you feel bad about, here is a formula for how to apologize. The three steps to a genuine apology are: stay out of your story, understand what you did wrong, and deliver the apology. It’s that simple! Let’s dive into exactly how to do each step of the process.
Stay Out of Your Story
You know that voice that wants to defend, amend, or explain away the hurtful thing you said? Often the intention behind the explanation is connection - If I can say the right thing now, it will resolve my partner’s upset and we’ll be okay again.
For example, when I told my partner they had a dumb last name. The story behind that, the thing my explanation voice wanted to shout, was that I didn’t want to take my partner’s last name when we got married. I didn’t actually think the last name was dumb; I just prefer my own. Yet, telling this story would not have done anything to help the situation.
Do not trust that sneaky little voice that wants to rationalize your mistake and explain away the other person’s hurt. You can certainly thank the voice for wanting to help you! However, don’t let the explanation escape your lips. For its purpose is to protect you instead of being with the person you hurt.
Understand What You Said or Did Wrong
There are two parts to this step. One is knowing what you said or did that upset the other person; next is understanding how they might be feeling.
I know it was wrong to call my partner’s name dumb.
For starters, using that language to describe anything about a person I say I love is not okay. Ever. It’s insulting and rude.
If I were to go a little deeper in my understanding, it is also clear that I’m insulting my partner’s sense of self. Most of us are attached to our names. What I choose to call myself is personal and a reflection of who I am. I had degraded my partner’s sense of self. I cannot know for sure, but I imagine my partner felt angry and hurt. Angry, because of the slight. Hurt, because of the rejection.
Deliver the Apology
The delivery is where we put it all together. My apology to my previous partner might sound something like this:
It was wrong of me to say your name is dumb. I know it was hurtful to you because it was insulting and rude of me to say. I am so sorry I said that to you.
That’s it! Own whatever you said or did that was wrong, share how you imagine they feel, and give a heartfelt I’m sorry.
Keep in mind; they do not have to accept your apology immediately (or ever). Allow the other person time to process, and be ready to continue taking responsibility and apologize for the wrong.
A few additional steps
These are the icing on the cake options. Owning your mistakes and understanding your role in another person’s hurt is HUGE. Yet, if you still want to offer more love and better communication to them, here are some things you can do in addition to the apology.
Offer to make it up to them
Ask if there’s anything else they want you to know about their feelings/reactions to the hurt
Check to see if there’s anything else they would like an apology for
Make a promise (if you can count on yourself to keep it) to never say or do that again
Provide physical comfort and affection, if that is something your partner would appreciate
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts. You can even practice the formula here if you have an apology to make.